


Volpina, the Accidental Matchmaker

by lordMartiya



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Accidental matchmaking, Gen, Lila needs a hug, accidental reveal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-20 23:29:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12444282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordMartiya/pseuds/lordMartiya
Summary: Two of Lila's fundamental character traits are her ability to tell any lie with a straight face and a terrifying temper. She can usually keep them in check, but sometimes she tells too many lies, or just gets too angry not to do something stupid...





	1. I'm Crushing on a Cretin...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lila learns just how oblivious Adrien is... And doesn't take it well.

Lila Rossi was many things, and had goals. One such goal was getting together with Adrien Agreste, even in the face of him knowing about her lie about Ladybug. One could not say she was a coward. That was why she was trying to convince him to go to an outing, even tolerating Chloe Burgeois' presence. Then he proposed something that just left her surprised enough to get under her facade: to stave off the potential fight he proposed to include one of his friends-Marinette Dupain-Cheng. The girl most obviously crushing on him without being a creep. And the idea clearly was to avoid romantic complications.

" _Ho una cotta per un cretino..._ " the Italian girl said while she massaged her forehead.

"He's just poor with social interactions, his parents kept him practically segregated 'till last year." Chloe consoled her rival. Figures that the girl living in a hotel could understand Italian...

"What does that have to do with Marinette being a friend?" Adrien asked.

"She has a crush on you!" Lila shouted in his face.

"Good one! No, seriously, what-"

* * *

 

"What was [that](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zk1mAd77Hr4)?" Marinette asked Alya.

"No idea, but was scary..." Alya replied. Then she saw what was coming to them, and started filming.

"Alya, what's happen-oh."

Volpina was back, dragging Adrien with her. Then she stopped before Marinette, and said two words: "Kiss him."

"What?"

"Kiss him! Somehow he missed your enormous crush on him! SOMEHOW! I can't stand it anymore! Oh, _e che cazzo_!"

Having seen Marinette was too busy blushing and being stunned to act, Volpina grabbed her too and locked them in the nearest locker room, before sitting down as she started studying the corridor for her eventual battle with Ladybug and Chat Noir.

* * *

"I _should_ recall the akuma just to have mercy on her... But why can't I do that?" Papillon asked himself.

* * *

 

 Volpina was about to cast her illusions when she noticed Alya filming everything.

"Do you mind?" she asked.

"It's for the Ladyblog." the blogger replied casually. "I need to document the battle, and-"

"My power, as reported by your blog, is based on hyperrealistic but easily dispelled illusions. I'd be really glad if you just did not forewarn Ladybug and Chat Noir about my preparations."

Seeing that Alya was ignoring her, Volpina grabbed her phone and crushed it before going in the locker room to get a rope-and seeing the furiously blushing Marinette and Adrien hurriedly hiding something behind their backs. Not that she cared, not when Alya was protesting she had no right to keep her from documenting everything.

"Sorry about this, but the blogger is crazy and I don't want to kill her." she apologized before leaving with a rope, closing the locker room again.

Armed with the rope, Volpina tied Alya up, crushed her spare phone, and, desperate to have some silence, cast an illusion over the blogger's head-an illusion of silence.

"Funny, the geniality that comes out when you're desperate..." she commented. "Now, what was I about to cast again?"

A couple minutes of casting later, Volpina was ready. It was a dead-end corridor ending in the locker, and she had all the time she needed to prepare. Ladybug and Chat Noir had no chance against her this time.

Then the locker room's door suddenly opened, Volpina turned back at the noise, and Ladybug and Chat Noir got her necklace and destroyed it, freeing the akuma to purify.

Returned to normal, Lila blinked at the situation, then saw the hole in the locker room's floor, the _strange_ looks on the two superheroes' faces and that they had been blushing, and drew the obvious conclusion.

"Oh... Sorry, I didn't know... Leaving now." she said as she grabbed Alya and dragged her away just as Volpina's illusions dispelled.

"Hey, did you see-" the blogger started, but Lila interrupted her.

"Zip it. The Akumatization apparently distracted them from some alone time, and I'm not so indelicate to keep them busier than necessary. You shouldn't be either."

"But they came from the locker you put-"

"Chat Noir Cataclysmed their way in, didn't you see the hole? Oh, and later you fill me on what did I do as Volpina. If only one kept their memories of Akumatization..."

* * *

 

"I did WHAT?!" Lila asked Alya.

"You locked Marinette and Adrien in the locker room, and they  _finally_ hooked up!" the blogger replied. "Thank you, thank you so much, Nino and I have been trying to get them together for months..."

* * *

"Twice in a single day?! And Chloe Burgeois wasn't even responsible." Papillon wondered. "Oh, well... Volpina, it's me again! For the third time you have the power of illusions, now you'll be able to claim the love you've been searching for so long!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was inspired by how Adrien somehow missed Marinette's ginormous crush on him. Seriously, I understand Adrien is still learning about social interactions, but someone HAD to lose their temper at him...


	2. Volpina, round 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Volpina goes interpretating the protagonist of the song "The Fox" by Steeleye Span.
> 
> Warning: S2 spoilers

"How could we have been so _oblivious?!_ " Marinette wondered as she and Adrien were about to leave the school. "I mean, you were doing everything as Cha-the other to tell me your feelings, and the timing, and Horrificator, and the shower!"

"Sssst! They can hear." Adrien chided her.

"Oh, sorry... But it's infuriating! And we could have created OTHER Akuma villains like that! And-"

[An all-too-familiar noise](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zk1mAd77Hr4) echoed in the halls, and when Marinette turned she saw an angry Volpina stomping toward the exit coming directly from Alya.

"Alya! What did you do?!" Marinette asked.

" _She_ asked me what she had done last time as Volpina!" the blogger replied defensively. "I didn't think she'd take it so bad..."

Then they heard a certain car starting from the exit, and Adrien just facepalmed.

* * *

"Could you please repeat that?" Papillon asked his unknowing chaffeur through the phone.

 _"One of Papillon's victims just took me hostage and is forcing me to drive her at the Italian embassy ."_ the Gorilla repeated. _"I don't know what she's planning, but at least this way I'm keeping the fearsome Volpina away from monsieur Adrien."_

Papillon pinched his nose in frustration, maybe re-Akumatizing Lila Rossi had not been such a good idea. Well, the car may be a goner, but if Volpina won it would be worth it, and if she lost Ladybug would repair it for free.

"Very well. Just stay safe." he replied, and closed the conversation. Then he activated his connection to Volpina, and asked her why she had stolen a car when jumping roofs was faster.

 _"A car is an arsenal on wheel, if you know what you're doing."_ Volpina replied. _"You should read_ Empowered _'s special... Well, I don't remember the number of the issue, but the title is "Animal Style"_ _."_

"I'm sorry... You stole this from a comic book?!"

_"That one explains how to properly use a car as a weapon. And I don't mean just running the poor victim over with it."_

Papillon started imitating a fish, at least until Volpina told him Ladybug and Chat Noir were already coming and she was going to either slow them down or take the Miraculouses.

"And this had started as such a good day..." the supervillain complained.

* * *

As they were about to reach the car, Ladybug and Chat Noir saw that Volpina was having the Gorilla park the car. Something less to worry about.  The two heroes prepared to face the villain, knowing to expect any and all illusionary tricks. So they were completely caught by surprise when Volpina ripped off a car door (some super strength for her too, it appeared), appraised the window, threw it away, and then threw the Gorilla at Chat, who caught him without harming the poor chaffeur, and scored a near-knock out hit on Ladybug with the thrown car _engine block_.

* * *

"Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea..." Papillon said as he saw his villain rip the car's front axle before making a run for Ladybug and be intercepted by Chat Noir.

* * *

Ladybug recovered from Volpina's attack to a strange sight: the illusion-specialized supervillain was fighting Chat Noir physically and holding her own, the longer range of the car's axle compensating Chat Noir's superior skills with the stick at his preferred length.

"Did she have to read Alya's same comic books?" Ladybug complained.

As she prepared to rejoin the fight, Volpina noticed her and jumped to the roofs, the heroes immediately giving chase. When they saw Volpina put the flute to her mouth they prepared for whatever illusion she'd use to mask her escape. Or they hoped they were prepared, their opponent being even more slippery than the first time.

Then the balls of orange light came, and Ladybug was distracted enough by the illusion of two naked Chat Noirs kissing she fumbled the landing and ended up on a side street, face-first. And by Chat Noir's fall next to her and his bewildered and blushing face, she had a very good idea of what the vixen had thrown at him.

"I knew she doesn't give a single fox about playing fair, but this is ridiculous." Chat said.

"Come on, we have to track her before she hurts someone." Ladybug told him.

Then they heard a scream from a nearby alley, and when they arrived they found an elderly man and a younger one with a knife in the hand and a need of clean pants.

"This young man was holding me at knifepoint when that supervillain from last week, Volpina, jumped in, cast an illusion scary to these younglings, and stole his wallet." the old man said.

"You don't seem too fazed." Ladybug noted after confirming he was no illusion.

"I've been at Kasserine, young lady. I'm more surprised she left this fool alive than anything. Now get her before she mauls someone."

The two heroes went in the main street, wondering where their sly opponent had escaped. Then they saw _Marinette Dupain-Cheng_ coming out of a costume shop with a Ladybug costume under her arm, and knew who to jump-but didn't make it in time before she got on a bus-the one for the Italian embassy.

"Wonder who she's searching for there..." Ladybug wondered before they went to the roofs again-they had a supervillain to stop.

* * *

"This is a bit complicated, Volpina." Papillon said to his current minion, unable to believe what he had just learned about her plans. "Couldn't you just, you know, kill them?"

 _"And get another relative as guardian? No, thank you."_ Volpina replied. _"I'll get those signatures on the forms and then his', and it'll be the end of it."_

"Why him, exactly?"

 _"Because Gabriel Agreste may be a jerk too busy crying over himself to be the parent his son deserves, but at least he_ tries _to be there, and from what I've seen he's being a good parent after all. Plus, maybe I can manipulate him into being a better father, I owe Adrien at least that much for not ruining me."_

Papillon was torn between (minor) anger at Volpina for having been insulted to his face (then again he could see where she was coming from), happiness at someone finally getting he was at least trying (and apparently doing a good job), or whatever he was feeling at Volpina's family. Oh, well...

"Could you give me your phone number?" he asked.

* * *

Ladybug, Chat Noir, and Lila's parents were waiting for Volpina at the bus stop. If nothing else, meeting her parents-and knowing just how good as a liar their daughter was-had given them a hint on who she was targeting now, and why.

Then the bus arrived, and the two heroes immediately attacked the tall Ladybug cosplayer (complete with wig, this one) that came down. They had to give it to Volpina, getting around the touch weakness of a disguise generated by her illusions by just buying a costume had been a good idea. Then they tried to take off the wig, that was not a wig but real and rapidly dyed hair.

"Aurore Boreal?!" they called as one as they recognized the voice.

"I'm sorry, she threatened my parents!"

"Don't worry, it was a bluff-and we'll stop her anyway." Ladybug replied. "Somehow... Time to use it. _**Lucky Charm!**_ An Ylvis CD?"

And for the third time that day the heroes heard [that scary noise](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zk1mAd77Hr4), but for once it wasn't hated, as it gave them the position of the illusionary Volpina and allowed them to catch her as she was jumping on Ladybug for the CD.

* * *

Papillon pinched his nose in frustration once again. It had been going so well, and now the altered state of mind of the Akumatized villains and that stupid song got his minion screwed. If nothing else, for once it wasn't a complete loss.

* * *

"This is creepy..." Ladybug said as she saw Lila interacting with her mother-and giving Ladybug, _Ladybug_ , a silent call for help.

Then Lila's phone ringed, and when Lila answered and put it on the external speaker she had quite the surprise.

 _"Greetings, Rossi father and mother, I am Papillon."_ the voice said. _"You are to not do what you're planning to do and let your daughter stay in Paris with her friends, or else I'll have to take offense to how your very existence bugs me and every other good or at least decent parent in the world."_

"Listen, terrorist, I don't take orders from a _tie_." Lila's mother replied. "And if I think her friends are a bad influence-"

_"Are you really back-talking a supervillain who can turn people into superpowered madmen and calling Paris' superheroes a bad influence?"_

Lila's mother did not answer, realizing she had just digged herself in a hole filled with unpleasant things.

 _"I thought so._ _"_ Papillon said. _"Now, why don't we leave little Lila with the friend she has just battled against her better, and suspended, judgement?"_

And with that Papillon disconnected, convincing Ladybug and Chat Noir to take Lila with them for a while-at least after Tikki had time to recharge.

* * *

"Why exactly Papillon went and threatened your parents?" Ladybug asked the irascible Italian girl.

"I suppose that Volpina let him realize that, compared to them, Gabriel Agreste is an absurdly permissive parent." Lila replied. "Add to that such things as me not liking Cesaire's presence because she's a _paparazza_ in making and them not liking her _existence_ for her skin color..."

"That explains a lot." Chat admitted.

"I can't believe Papillon was being the better man than the targets of his latest victim..." Ladybug admitted.

"And if it's not too late, I'd like to take back those words at the Eiffel Tower." Lila said as she offered Ladybug her hand. "So?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suggest you go and read "Empowered" too (if you're the right age, it's not exactly SFW): it's hilarious, and the heroine is a genius. And that special does indeed explain how to properly use a car as a weapon, as a squadron of supervillains in power armor found out the hard way.  
> I have no idea if there's a Paris bus that stops at the Italian embassy. If there isn't... Well, this isn't reality.


End file.
